Chapter 4

Kristina gripped Zanders fingers as tight as she could as she tried to keep her balance. He would hold her hands and not dare let her fall as she followed his hands and took stumbling steps

Kristina didnt seem to worry though, about every unbalanced step she took, she was a trusting soul

She laughed, tickled by the look on Zanders face as he repeatedly told her she was the most beautiful girl in the world.

Anyone would believe he thought so the way he looked at that little girl

Alexis was paying attention...

When Zander would look up at her she would smile, even laugh, she looked charmed by him

When he would look away the blank stare would surface again on her face

She was talented, a master of disguise

Disguise of the heart

The telephone rang

Alexis let the phone ring

"Alexis... do you want me to get that?"

She looked at Zander as if she hadnt heard the phone until then

She picked up the receiver

"Hello... Hi, Im ok... Jax Im fine" She insisted from his questions "Um dinner... um I cant... I have Kristina"

Zander motioned that he would take Kristina while Jax on the other end of the line insisted she bring her along

Alexis turned her back to Zander as Jax pleaded with her to get out of the house. Promising her a dimly lit private dinner for two with a back entrance so no one would know she had come and gone...

"Can we have dinner another night?... Yeah... Im fine." Jax again questioned her "Just a lot...Jax" She paused again "and Kristinas tired"

She couldnt finish her own sentence

"Yeah, I promise... Ill talk to you later, ok... alright, love you too"

She hung up the phone and turned around to see Zander standing right in front of her, she jumped back

"Youre not leaving the house? Is that it?

"What are you talking about?" she questioned back already guilty

"Any other time you would have dinner with Jax any chance you could get. Why wouldnt you today?"

She tried to look confused

"Why are you making this big deal? Im spending the day at home, with my daughter, and youre here. And Id rather have your company..."

That was all the excuses she had

"Are you scared to go out?"

Alexis eyes widened seemingly annoyed at his relentlessness

"Zander I just dont want to go to dinner ok" she said trying to be patient

"I dont mean to interrogate you, but its obvious youre not doing ok"

"I was sitting on the couch, watching you and Kristina and I turn down one dinner date and you figure Im not ok. Did you learn to make a conclusion from your father?"

"Alexis"

He didnt mean to upset her

"Im sorry... Im fine. Today Im fine. I just want to stay in. I want to be here with my baby girl. You can understand that?"

"Where youre safe?"

One more jab

Alexis let out a deep breath

"I know youre doing this because you care"

"I more than care"

The door opened ending the conversation between them

Ned looked at the two of them quickly realizing he had walked in on more than just any conversation

He looked at them suspiciously

"What going on?"

"Nothing" They answered at once

"Ok"

"I should go" Zander said giving Kristina a kiss and handing her to Ned

"Zander" Alexis pleaded

He stood up to Alexis giving her a kiss on the cheek and then opened up the next topic of conversation for she and Ned

"Ned I think you and Alexis have some things to talk about..."

Alexis looked horrified at what Zander had just said as Ned looked more confused

"Only because I more than care" Was all he had left to say to her and he walked out

*************************

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing" Alexis said fidgeting with the curls at the ends of Kristinas hair

"Then what do we have to talk about?"

"I dont want to talk about it"

"You dont want to talk about what we need to talk about?"

Alexis looked at him unamused

"Ok so we need to talk about something you dont want to and by the look of concern on Zanders face..."

"Ned!"

Ned stepped back with Kristina

"And snappy today too"

Alexis looked frustrated

"Jax called, he asked me to go to dinner, I declined. Zander thinks its because I dont want to go outside anymore..."

"Do you not?" Ned interrupted

"Im fine!"

"I didnt ask were you fine. I asked do you not want to go outside anymore?"

"Thats absurd!"

"No its not really"

"I just didnt want to go to dinner!"

"Ok, but you havent left the house"

"I have left the house! I left the house yesterday! And whos side are you on anyway"

"Please dont question whos side Im on... but Zander does have a point. Yes you did leave the house yesterday but it was for your therapy session and check up and you clung to me the whole time!"

"Sorry I didnt mean to cling!" Alexis said snapping back

"Alexis! Youre missing the point" Ned lowered his voice not meaning to have a shouting match in front of Kristina "Lets talk about it. If youre scared then lets get through it together... I want you to cling to me under any other circumstance, but not because youre afraid"

Alexis turned facing the fireplace, not responding

Ned could tell she was fidgeting on the other side

"Alexis... Alexis please talk to me"

She began to bite at her nails

"Alexis"

"Hes out there" She said still not facing him

Ned let out a deep breath and put Kristina in her playpen

Ned then walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders

He held her

"He wont hurt you again. I wont let him hurt you again"

"I dont mean to be afraid. But what if he was suppose to kill me? Its possible. Helena, The Alcazars... I mean I hate to be so popular...but what if its to punish me and they know that one day Kristina will be with me..."

Ned could tell she had been torturing herself with the what ifs and when

She was use to one bad thing leading to another. Why should she believe being raped was the end of it

"Youre strong. Alexis youve been through more than anyone in ten lifetimes should go through, but youve gotten through them. Youre a survivor... and you cant let this be what defeats you..."

"Ill get through it... just give me time"

That was her Im ok" answer

"Honey, Ill give you all the time you need but punishing yourself... being afraid to even go outside, and not eating which you havent been, and sleeping which you havent been doing much of that either... dont allow this man or whoever it is to win"

"Its easy for you to say. Its easy for you to say that Ill heal and that Im strong and that Ill be ok..."

Ned let her vent

"Youre right Ive been through a million things, yes Im stronger than I think I am but God give me a break! Im not invincible, I cant just snap back!"

"Alexis , honey"

"The only thing that runs through my head is being raped! The way it felt to be completely helpless, to feel like I had to let him do what he did to me because I couldnt stop him..."

"You couldnt stop him!" Ned protested

She couldnt catch her breath

"The thing I think about over and over is this man slamming my head in to the ground, penning me down with his boots as he ripped my clothes off of me..."

She stopped again trying to breathe

"I tried to scream but all I could do was cry!"

Emotion poured from her as she now looked Ned dead in the eyes

"You wonder why I cant sleep? You wonder why I cant eat or that Im afraid to go outside? God! What do you expect from me?"

Before Ned could respond Kristina began to cry from the sound of her mothers voice

Alexis immediately went to her little girl who was holding her arms up, begging for her mommy to hold her

Alexis knelt down to her playpen, eye level with her baby girl

"Its ok baby. Its ok. Im sorry mommy didnt mean to yell" Alexis said trying to wipe away her own tears before she kissed her daughter repeatedly trying to comfort her

"Ill hand her to you" Ned said before lifting Kristina up

Alexis followed Ned to the couch wincing once again but ignoring the pain as she held Kristina

Kristinas tear stained eyes matched her mothers

"I hate this. I hate this" Alexis whispered to Ned

Ned cupped the palm of his hand to the side of her face

"I know you do and you know I would do anything to make it better if I could"

She turned her head letting her lips reach the his palm, kissing it softly

Tears still fell down her face

"I know you would make it all better if you could... I wish you could. But you cant you cant take away any of it. You cant take away my memory of what happened, you cant take away the way it felt, the way it feels. I can deal with bad things happening, I can deal with losing people I love. Ive been through it before. But Ive never been raped, I didnt know what its like to be completely violated and completely vulnerable and helpless in my own body..."

She held her baby girl against her rubbing her back

Ned sat there for a moment with them not saying a word. He was trying to think of the right thing to say instead of just how to fix everything

"You know Im here for you. You know I always will be... its weakness of mine" he said giving her a slight grin "When you need me Ill be right here. Im not promising I can fix anything. Im not making promises like that anymore... But I am going to be right here, when you need me"

He then wiped the tears falling down her face

Kristina now slept soundly, her cheek pressed against her mommys shoulder

"We should put her to bed" Alexis said wiping away another tear

Ned lifted Kristina from her arms and he helped Alexis up from the couch and she followed him upstairs

********************

Alexis stood at the edge of Kristinas crib watching her breathe in and out

She was peaceful, lost in her own sleep

"Look at her" Alexis said adoring her

"I always knew she would be this beautiful"

"Always knew?" She questioned

"When you had a baby... I knew she would this beautiful"

"You thought about me having a baby?"

"Sure I did"

Alexis contemplated her next question

"Did you think about us having a baby?"

Ned hesitated for a moment

"Yeah I did" he said honestly

The thought was lump in Alexis throat

At that time, when they were together. She would have never thought about being a mother, sure there were times they worried about getting pregnant. What lovers didnt? But she never saw herself holding her baby girl

The family life... she couldnt even commit to marriage much less see herself changing her life for a baby

"Life with you. I never, I couldnt..."

"Alexis its ok"

"No I mean I, I didnt know. I didnt know it would feel like this. That I would love her so much... and that I would ever even have a baby much less think that she wouldnt be yours..."

"Alexis, you dont have to do this"

"God I wish she was yours. I wish we had gotten married that she was yours and I didnt..." She said breaking down

"Honey dont. We both wish things were different in that respect. But we cant change things, you wouldnt have her"

"And I wouldnt change anything in my life knowing that... Im sorry but God Ive hurt you. Ive hurt Kristina... Sonny"

Ned hated the sound of Sonnys name but he knew Alexis would always feel guilt towards him and rightfully so

"Dont be, dont be sorry. For some reason it was suppose to happen this way. I wish it didnt cause so much heartache or that it wasnt so complicated but in a crazy mixed up way this little girl what binds us together, forever and Im truly thankful"

"I hurt you"

"I forgive you. You have to forgive me... We have to live life. We have to raise Kristina the best we can..."

"And not try and just fix it?" she questioned

"Like I said Im going to try and stop fixing things... Im here, where Im suppose to be. In her life, in your life"

Alexis could feel her heart racing. Why she loved him the way she did was so blinding at times and other times so clear

"Im sorry for doing this"

"Sorry for doing what?"

She kissed him

Not an innocent thank you kiss

She kissed him letting her lips sink into his

Letting the familiar spark of chemistry feel the way it use to

And then... he kissed her

End Of Chapter 4