Ch. 3

A man came to see me earlier. He had come before but his voice seemed a bit different today. He was usually quiet and the words he did say to me were as if they slipped from his mouth rather than that he had meant to say them aloud… today he talked about our family, the Cassadines.

My brain was reeling trying to place him, trying to remember who he was since he was the only one mentioning people I knew, but I couldn’t remember anything about him. I tried but nothing…nothing. He kept telling me how I was his only family and how much he regretted not being able to protect me or be there for me… You can tell he is a young man. His promises are innocent and though I don’t know who he is, and though he is a part of my Cassadine family I know he cannot protect me. No one can protect me. I know this now, now that I am here… this has happened to me before and I recovered, the way I feel now I know I will never recover from this. Not the physical hurt, but the pain of knowing, the pain of remembering her allowing that man to do whatever he pleased with me... to hurt me…This time was worse than the last time and I can’t seem to recover from this no matter who wishes to rescue me.

Silly me for trying to escape again, it is true fools never learn. And though these people, this man who says he is my family and Ric… even though they constantly say they are here with me and they want to protect me…the truth is I know if I live through this she will find me again, she will have an even more grave punishment for my boldness and I can not take this again…

I’ve been here for while now and the funny part is that I can’t seem to remember when I didn’t feel like this. The physical pain I mean. I’m not sure if the pain has dulled or if my body has become used it. I’ve been trying to be still. The more still I am the less I hurt…

I am also afraid if I move I will wake up from this dream. I don’t want to wake up… even though I can feel pain, the comfort; the people in this dream make it worth while…

Ric is here now. He is silent but he just told me a story about a weekend trip he and Alexis took. He pauses at certain points of the story as if he’s leaving out something and doesn’t want to tell me or because he doesn’t want to remind himself. Was Alexis’ life in that much turmoil? Did her happiness only come in bits and pieces? She has this man in her life, those two little girls… she must have some happiness? I mean her life doesn’t seem so bad from this distance. I would want her life. It is without the Cassadines, without so much hatred and death…

************

“How is she doing this morning?” Elizabeth asked as she scribbled something on Alexis’ chart

“She seems ok” Ric said with his stock answer

“And how are you?”  Elizabeth asked taking note of his disheveled appearance

“I’m ok” he answered weakly

“You know Alexis would want you to get some rest” she said noting the dark circles under his eyes “She would want you to take care of yourself”

“I just need to be here with her…”

“Ric why don’t you go home, see your girls, get some rest, get a shower and shave… you’ll feel better. I’ll be here for her or I’m sure Nicolas or Jax will stay right here with her if you want them too”

“No… I have to here when she wakes up” He said stubbornly “What if she wakes up and she doesn’t know what’s happened to her, what if she’s confused? I mean they haven’t ruled out brain damage so what if…”

“Ric!” Elizabeth said stopping him “Ric, I shouldn’t say this... but because it’s you I have to. Ric you can’t avoid life. You have two little girls at home that are not only dealing with their mother being gone but there father is slowly disappearing… Ric you can’t keep on like this because she may not wake up for a long time…”

“She could wake up any minute”

“She could! And I hope she does! But Ric you don’t know that. And you can’t let yourself and you family fall apart!”

“Fall apart? Without her it automatically falls apart! Don’t you get that? She’s the one who fights the hardest, she’s the one who never let’s go, she’s the one that Molly and Kristina and even I wake up in the morning, want… it fell apart weeks ago!”

“She needs you. She needs you to be strong and to stand in her place while she isn’t there for your girls”

Ric took his eyes finally from Alexis’ face and looked towards Elizabeth

“I’ll go later, I’ll check on the girls” he said blankly

“She would want you to Ric. You know if she was awake she would want you to take care of yourself”

Ric shook his head as Elizabeth gave him a quick touch on the shoulder, then leaving him

**************

Sometimes he circles my skin with the tip of his finger, it soothes and comforts me. I can’t help but feel something for this man. This man who I know won’t want me anymore when he finds out I am not his Alexis. But for the moment I can’t help but feel for him. Any woman would when a man touches her like he does… He touches me the way someone would when they are in love. He touches me gently, caresses me down my arms and my legs to the inside of my thighs, his fingers swirl across my stomach and you can tell he feels that he is no stranger to my most discrete places and though he is  gentle he isn’t hesitant or afraid to touch me…

My body, how could my body be so identical with hers?

There is a part of me that revels in all of this. I can tell he is sad for me or her… but for the moment I am mistaken for her and I can’t help but want to be. I have come to trust this man completely, though I have yet to open my eyes to see him… I fear he won’t want to be here for me when he finds out I’m not who he thinks I am. He will want to find her. And I will be left alone again…

****************

Ric had moments of weakness. Moments when he was too tired, moments when he didn’t believe she would wake up. He would get lost in the thoughts of life without her. Lying in bed without her, hearing her laughter, watching her hold her children … he had moments when he thought of how he would explain this to Molly and Kristina, how he would have to learn to do the things she always did to make up for her not being there.

She gave hugs better, she told bedtime stories in the character’s voices better, she tied shoes better, she brushed hair better… she fought better, kissed better, hell he was even willing to admit she was a better lawyer…

Ric stood up and began pacing around the room, the walls forcing his journey back to the other side of the room. The sun was shining, the weather was warm. He hated it, he hated all of it! He hated that life outside that room was happy, and was carrying on! The walls were starting to cave in; the light from the florescent bulbs burned his eyes… He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t love her enough to wake her up, he couldn’t coerce her in to a witty fight, and he couldn’t do anything to bring her back to him!

His fist hit the door, pounding it one punch after the other. He didn’t care that he split his knuckles, he didn’t care that the pain was already throbbing in his hand, he didn’t care that people had thought he was going crazy right there…

Ric!

Alexis could hear his fist pound the hard surface

Tears mixed with the sweat the fell down his cheeks, blood began to trickle from his hands

Ric! Stop you’re hurting yourself! Stop! she pleaded

“IT’S NOT FAIR! IT’S NOT FAIR! GOD! WHY DON’T YOU CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO HER! HASN’T SHE BEEN THOUGH ENOUGH? HASN’T SHE SUFFERED ENOUGH? GOD, I DESERVE SO MUCH; I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED FOR A LOT OF THINGS BUT DON’T TAKE ITOUT ON HER! THIS ISN’T FAIR!”

Ric went to Alexis’ bedside

It’s ok! I’m ok, I can hear you, and I’m ok!

“ALEXIS WAKE UP! DAMN IT WAKE UP! WAKE UP FOR YOUR LITTLE GIRLS, WAKE UP FOR ME!”

I want to wake up, I want to wake up! I have to tell you now that I’m not her! Please just stop hurting yourself!

“RIC!”  Elizabeth said walking in on him

“SHE’S GONNA WAKE UP! ALEXIS WAKE UP!”

“RIC STOP!”

“ELIZABTH MAKE HER WAKE UP!!”

“Ric!” Elizabeth said once again trying to calm him

Patrick came in pulling Ric away from Alexis

Ric fought him

“Leave me alone! You won’t help her!”

Ric what’s happening?

“Ric, man you have to calm down, this isn’t helping her!”

“Get away from me”

I’m ok, I’m ok

Patrick pushed all of his weight against Ric and pushed him against the wall

Ric gave in exhausted as he slumped to the floor

Ric?

He was physically upset, choking on the lump in his throat

“It’s ok, it’s ok now” Elizabeth said trying to comfort him “It’s been a long time coming” she said now looking at Patrick

“Ric”

Her voice barely auditable

“Alexis?” Ric said rising to his feet, rushing to her

Her eyes lashes fluttering

“Alexis, sweetheart…sweetheart wake up! Please wake up!”

She winced in pain in a more auditable voice

“Alexis!” Patrick said now standing over her

“Honey wake up, I here ok, just open your eyes, I’ll be here”

Her eyes fluttered once again

Open

Her beautiful brown eyes open, fluttering

He beautiful brown eyes frightened

“It’s ok, you’re ok” Ric said trying to reassure her

She looked at Ric, seeing his face seeing the man’s face that had been by her side

“Ric” she said again as she just stared

His face is handsome; I wasn’t sure what he would look like… He looks tired, his eyes are tired, and his face hidden…

She reached up to touch his bearded face

“I’ve gotten a little scruffy” he said smiling

She only looked at him confused

Did he not always have a beard? She thought

“Alexis, honey?”

The look on her face made Ric uncomfortable, she looked confused, still scared

“Alexis?” Patrick said to get her attention

She never turned her head to acknowledge the doctor

“Sweetheart?” Ric said once again

“Can you tell me your name?” Patrick asked alarmed

I know he just called me Alexis. Maybe I should say Alexis? But that’s not my name. My name is Natasha… Maybe I just won’t say anything until I’m sure

 “Can you tell me where you are?” Patrick said asking another question as he glared at Ric

“The hospital”

It seemed obvious I was in a hospital, I mean I knew I was and that I had been all of this time. A simple question, maybe the only question I could answer…

And was I speaking English? I could hear the words after leaving my mouth and though in my mind I was speaking Greek my words came out as English…

“Can you tell me what year it is?”  

I didn’t answer the doctor again. It was such a simple question, I knew what year it was but, but… everything is just so mixed up…

“Ok, that’s enough questions” Patrick said trying to give an encouraging look

I looked over at Ric, he was white as a ghost

“She can’t remember her own name?” he asked aloud

The doctor shook his head

Ric looked at me. He had this look on his face. A scared look that even I recognized

“Wait! She called my name. How can she know my name and not her own?”

Monica looked at Alexis “We don’t know how extensive everything is right now. She could have selective memory loss or maybe she could have learned it…”

My secret was out. I didn’t know who he was, just his name… he had a horrible look of panic on his face

I began to look around the room at all the unfamiliar faces, I began to panic myself

“It’s ok, you’re ok” Monica said reassuring her “You’re at General Hospital in Port Charles, New York; your name is Alexis Davis Lansing”

Port Charles, New York? New York? America… Alexis Davis Lansing? Who was Alexis Davis Lansing?

Oh God!

I began to panic again

“Sweetheart its ok”

There he was again, holding my hand, right there beside me. The look of panic on his own face was now hidden. He brushed my hair back from my face

He calmed me once again

“Ric she’s going to be ok. This could be temporary”

“And if it’s not?”

Monica quickly looked to Patrick, taking a deep breath in

“Then one day at a time”

End. Ch.3