“New, Old, Shattered”

She sat on the side of the hospital bed twisting around and around, the ID bracelet wrapped loosely around her arm

She had slept the night

The first night since the day her daughter went missing

She awoke distraught

The bright sunshine underneath the thick curtains of her hospital room was the only reminder of where she was rather than where her head was

It was a reminder that everything that had happened wasn’t just a nightmare

Sitting in that hospital room was her reality

Her ID bracelet went round and round… her mind unconscious of what she was doing

The sound of the door opening broke her rhythm

“Oh, good morning sweetheart” Jax said with a large paper bag in hand

“Hi” she said giving a half smile

“I thought I would be back before you woke up”

Jax didn’t ask was she ok

She looked worse than she did the night before

“I uh, brought you breakfast. An omelet, coffee…”

Again the half smile

“Thanks”

“The doctor was here early this morning. He’s letting you out of here of course on the condition that you continue to eat and rest”

Alexis shook her head agreeing

Jax sat her breakfast out on the tray and wheeled it towards Alexis. He then sat down on the bed beside her

“I wish I would have been here when you woke up… I wanted to be here”

She didn’t respond only swirled her fork in to the eggs on her plate

He took her hand leaving the fork to make a quiet clatter

She bit a her bottom lip

He said nothing

Then tears fell down her face

He again said nothing this time only squeezing her hand tight

She suddenly squeezed back but quickly released

Jax waited, he knew she had a million things to say but instead they all came out as tears

And one tear could have just have well been a million

“I slept all night”

“You needed to” he said not trying to argue

“It’s the first night I have”

“I know”

Her tears came faster

“Alexis it’s ok to sleep, you have to sleep”

“It’s not ok. Because that just makes one more thing that’s ok to do without her here”

“Is that what you think? You think sleeping is keeping her away?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know! I don’t know what is right and what is wrong or what I’m supposed to be doing. Jax I feel guilty and helpless in everything I do. When I eat I worry is she getting to eat. If I sleep I wonder if she is. God I even feel guilty about knowing if the sun is shining or if it’s raining or its morning or night because I’m not sure if she’s somewhere where she can even see the outside… I just feel so guilty”

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Alexis struggled her way through breakfast, shuffling the eggs, picking the grapes from the stems eating every other one…

“How about you get dressed and I spring you out of here” Jax said finally putting her out of her misery from the grueling obstacle before her

“Please” she said quietly begging

“Comfy jeans, favorite sweater” he said pulling the articles of clothing from an overnight bag

“Thank you” she said relieved he knew her that well

She reached to untie the ties of the gown

“Here… Let me help” He said already reaching

Her arms fell to her lap and she leaned towards Jax

He pulled the gown from her and helped her get dressed quickly

The cold air once unnoticed in the room now made her shiver uncontrollably

She held up her arms and Jax slipped the sweater over her head

His hands glided down the sides of her stomach as the sweater landed in to place

Suddenly the coldness wasn’t what made her shiver

His hands, hands that comforted her, that made her feel safe and secure… made her feel, like a woman suddenly sent a shiver through her

She knew she had turned his touch cold

Jax wrapped his arms around her trying to shake the cold from her bones, unaware of what he was doing to her

He pulled away

“I’ll go get the nurse and tell her you’re ready ok”

He was smiling, happy to get her out of there. Sure of her promises that she would be ok. Sure of himself that Davis would be found soon…

“Ok” she said returning her own kind of smile

The smile, she was now accustom to giving to anyone who needed one

++++++++++++++++++++

A beautiful afternoon

A walk in the park, her place on the park bench

It was the only place she knew to go now to console herself

“I thought you might be here”

Alexis closed her eyes at the sound of his voice

“I was hoping if I put enough time in on this bench they might put my name on it or something…” She said doing her best to make a joke

Sonny didn’t laugh, not even a smirk

He knew the reason why she sat on that bench

“Can I sit?”

Alexis nodded yes

“They released you this morning?”

“Yeah”

“I hope you at least got a good night’s sleep”

“Unfortunately…”

Sonny looked at her

“When I’m awake I think about her. When I’m asleep I think about her… The waking up it’s hard… I wake up and realize it wasn’t all just a nightmare…”

She wasn’t sure why she was saying all of this to Sonny

Why, when she opened her mouth her feelings surfaced and poured out of her

“No one expects you to have good nights sleep and to eat everything on your plate!”

“Yes they do! I feel like they do! And now they’re watching me! Like I’m a child! I’m trying desperately to find my daughter and they want me to have a balanced meal and sleep well!”

“Alexis… they… Jax, he’s trying to do what’s best for you”

“Why are you on his side? You never where before!”

“I’m not on his side, I’m not taking sides… but he’s right, if you make yourself sick you can’t look for her…”

Alexis didn’t argue any further

“Alexis”

She didn’t answer him

“Why are you here anyway? Just happened to be in the park in the middle of the afternoon?” she asked almost coldly

“You know why I’m here”

“Look Sonny…” She hesitated, for a moment she clearly hesitated “I can’t do this”

“Do what?”

“Be here, here in the park with you”

“Why? Is it wrong that you’re here with me?”

“You honestly can’t see why it’s wrong?”

“Sitting here talking to the mother of our missing child! What’s wrong with that?”

“It’s complicated! Being here with you… talking to you”

“I still can’t understand why…”

“Sonny you’re just another piece of the puzzle that doesn’t fit! You aren’t supposed to be in my life anymore and I’m letting you!”

“Why do all the pieces have to fit Alexis?”

“Because they have to… because they did before and I was happy, Jax was happy, Davis was happy! Now they’re all these pieces that don’t fit and the ones that did are shattering left and right….

“I don’t want you to think I came to the park this afternoon purposefully to hurt you. I came here with hopes you’d be here, that we could talk, that I could see how you were… I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

“That’s just it you’re not hurting me! You’re doing everything but hurting me. You’re comforting me; you’re saying the right things. You’re being a model parent and a model human being… You’re making it hard for me to hate you or to at least want you out of my life”

“I’m not sure if I consider that a bad thing Alexis”

Alexis closed her eyes

Sonny suspected at that moment she were wishing him away

“I know you… and I’m sure you’ve changed over the years maybe for the good maybe… not, but I know you, deep down I know you. You don’t mean to hurt me because you know I care about you. You know that I always have even when I said I hated you. You knew I cared for you… so I don’t think you would intentionally want to hurt me… not now. But you are... Sonny, Jax is...”

“He hates me”

“Yeah he does”

“You really want me to stay away? Even if I can honestly say I’m not trying to hurt you. That all I want is for you to be ok. For us to find Davis…”

“That’s another thing. What about when we find Davis? She doesn’t know you… And I can’t just say welcome home honey oh and by the way here’s your father I’ve been hiding you from for the last 14 years! Sonny…”

Sonny took a deep breath in and then out

Alexis always over thought things, but she could… that’s why she was smarter than him. And Sonny tried to cover everything, tried to do the right thing… act like a human being. But he realized just sitting there was hurting her. Hurting their daughter…”

Sonny’s elbows went to his knees as the palms of his hands dug in to his eyes

“Sonny”

Alexis watched as his head shook back and forth

“Sonny” This time when she said his name her hand went to his back “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…”

“No you’re right. But Alexis all these pieces you’re talking about… everything not fitting into place and falling apart. You have to learn to make them fit back together. New pieces, old pieces, shattered pieces. I don’t know what to do… I can’t just not be in your life and I don’t know what to do about Davis. I do know and I am learning from past mistakes, that I can’t just push my way in to someone’s life… that’s the easiest way to loose the both of you… again…”

Alexis again watched him rub his eyes to the point they were bloodshot

“Sonny just give me time… now and if I get her back…”

“When you get her back” He corrected

Alexis shook her head “Yeah”

Sonny stood from the bench as Alexis’ eyes followed his every move

“If uh… if uh you hear anything…”

“Yeah I will” She said finishing his sentence

“And if I hear anything from Bobby…”

“Please do”

Alexis stood up in front of him

“I should go” he said with a slight nervousness in his voice

Alexis shook her head

“Sonny”

“Yeah”

“Thank you… thank you for checking on me and well for knowing I would be here”

He shook his head

“Sonny”

He looked up at her

“I’m sorry again for…”

“No, no me too…”

Before Alexis could stop herself she wrapped her arms around him initiating a hug

A hug she had only moments ago forbidden herself to give

He held her back, but he was floating in her arms

“Alexis!”

“Alex…”

Jax’s voice broke them apart

Jax’s beautiful eyes faded at the sight of them

Alexis didn’t say anything

She didn’t have the words to apologize for what Jax saw or to at least make an excuse

“Alexis…” His voice shuttered

“Jax”

“Uh Mac just called he wants us at the station. They’ve arrested a guy and he’s given some leads to Davis…”

Jax’s voice was now blank and direct

Alexis opened her mouth… the words stumbled

She only shook her head and walked towards Jax

Before she got to him she turned to Sonny

“You should come…”

“I’ll be right behind you… you two go ahead”

End Ch. 10